The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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