I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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