Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
