You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
