You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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