Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
