Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
