I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
