My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
