I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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