just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
