i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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