she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
