We're facebook friends in real life
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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