I think I won the penis lottery.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish you could order shots online.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
