Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
