we have pet lesbian snakes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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