A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
