my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
