porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
