I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
