I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
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7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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