I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
