No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
