So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just pee glitter
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize