On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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