I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
