He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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