I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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