my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
