Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
