Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
