Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
