she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
