She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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