he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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