Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
