I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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