Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
