i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
