I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Boobs speak an international language.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
