You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
