thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
