I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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