Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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