remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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