Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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