just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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