it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
