If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
