Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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