So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
