Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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