im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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