he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
