I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
