I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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