you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
