dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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