is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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