all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
