I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
