After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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